Tantrums

  • By Louise Aspden
  • 20 Feb, 2016

Why children and adults lose their temper...

Imagine this scenario….

  •  Five-year-old child is sitting quietly building a Lego masterpiece.
  •  Two-year-old sibling comes toddling into the room and smashes it to smithereens.
  •  Older sibling goes into a crying rage and hits the toddler.
  •  Parent enters the room and sits the five-year-old down and explains that his/her behaviour is not acceptable.

Here is the question; can the five-year-old understand what the parent is trying to explain to him while he is still crying?

Most likely not as he/she has no ability to reason or absorb the info in such an emotional state.

When our emotional brain feels threatened it reduces our capacity to “think straight” so that we see only two choices: fight or flight.

In order for the child to be able to understand, the parent needs to wait until they are calmed down. This usually takes around 20 minutes.

It’s important for us to understand that we are just children with longer legs. We react to real and perceived threat in the same way. We lose our ability to think straight and go to our default behaviours. (i.e. become defensive, shut down, say yes again, blow up…) 

In order for us to be able to perform the way we want to in life and business, we need to learn to manage our emotional brain so we can “stay in the game”.

Let’s get back to our toddler….

  • A few days later we have the same Lego building scenario however, the five-year-old will now jump up and push the sibling away before anything happens. 
  • Now the parent walks into the room and doesn’t understand why he/she would hit is brother when he didn’t do anything! 
  • ( Oh, if I could only go back in time, I know this must have happened with my sons )

The emotional brain imprints painful situations into its memory so that it can react even more quickly next time. 

This can lead us to “fly off the handle” before we have all the information in a situation or discussion with someone who has hurt us in the past.

Emotional Intelligence is about learning to manage that emotional brain so that we can be who we want to be, say what we want to say, at work and at home.

Join me in one of my public training programs where you can learn skills to be the best version of you.

Positive Coach | Louise's Blog

By Louise Aspden 14 Sep, 2017

Lately, when people ask me what I do I have been catching myself saying I am kind of, sort of…semi-retired?

How did THAT happen? A few months ago, I would have said “I am a part-time entrepreneur” yet now, it seems more fitting to say “semi-retired”. Is it an age thing? Can it be because being a grandmother is a big priority (we have grandbaby number two on the way next year) ?

Although, it could be a myriad of things like my new penchant for bird watching & napping. Maybe it’s the fact that everyone seems like such a ‘nice young person’ to me, or that my hubby just hit the big SIX-OH

I guess it doesn't really matter. As much as I feel that I am softening in some ways, I am still never going to be your typical granny!

This grandma has tons of energy to run, jump and pump out some silly Zumba moves for our two-year-old granddaughter. She is an extrovert that loves the stage, a crowd and beautiful people. She models positive energy, self-love and healthy living (she tries) . She is FAR from perfet. She even may over indulge in wine (NOTE: not while caring for said grandchild), the odd curse word may surface and well… gas can be an issue (although provides giggles). 

Life isn’t what we expect but it is brilliant and grand if we allow ourselves to colour outside of the lines!

My hope is that you are out there being the best imperfect version of you!  

By Louise Aspden 07 Jul, 2017

I'm being as still as I am comfortable with...

I don't meditate. I wake up every morning and go straight to "doing". Working on my multiple business projects, doing chores, spending time with my family, exercising, socializing with friends and whatever else comes up.

This last few months I have learned that when life throws a big change at me, I tend to feel like I need to continue to push through as if nothing has changed. That really doesn't work.

It was difficult to make the decision to step back from Positive Coach. This has been something I have worked very hard at for a long time; this is my "baby" per-say. However I could feel my energy around this change. I felt like I was wearing lead shoes trying to tread through my task lists. I know well enough that I will not get anywhere in that state. I also know that I won't serve you, my clients and followers in the best way I can.

So I have stepped back, at bit. (for now)

I am still posting daily in #GratefulMoments  as gratitude is something I need to practice and share, one way or another!

I have kept my commitment to the Positive Panel Rogers TV Show  team and have enjoyed continuing down that path (stay tuned for more news there).

I have enjoyed my new venture with being the moHost of momondays Barrie ! It serves my need to support others in their goals (speakers) and bring together our community in the most positive way.

In between this I have enjoyed just "being" and choosing to sit over a long coffee with my husband, accept invitations to new social activities, be more available to our family and most importantly, begin to take care of me. This week I have finally felt motivated to begin eating healthier and moving more, something that has caused me to gain weight and feel lethargic. I already feel more energetic!

I truly appreciate you hanging in here as I sort through this and try to continue to bring you some value along the way!

Is there an area in your life that you feel you are wearing "lead shoes" around? Can it be that you need to step back and be still for a bit?

By Louise Aspden 15 May, 2017

I thought I made it through Mother's Day this time!

Until I saw a beautiful video that a dear friend of mine posted. It is a beautiful tribute to her as a mother and as a daughter. As I watched her elderly mother talk about how proud she was of her daughter for becoming a wonderful adult and mother herself, well, I lost it.

Grief is such a thief!

I was having an absolutely beautiful Mother's Day/Birthday weekend where I got to spend time with my own children, their beautiful wives, my dear husband and our precious granddaughter. Nothing means more to me than to spend time with them. It just doesn't get any better than this and nobody is more grateful than I am to have created what feels like a very privileged, charmed life.

My own post for the day was focused on my own mother (see above photo) with the following words:

"Because of you I live with joy, I embrace all opportunities, I love fiercely, I demand respect and I treasure my health. In only 22 years you gave me lessons I have carried with me my whole life. Happy Mother's Day Mommy. #GratefulMoments "

My post was created to be mindful of those of you out there that struggle with this holiday, maybe you are also motherless, have a difficult/toxic relationship with your mother, lost a child or never had children yourself. I intended to show that we can find peace in gratitude, even around our pain.

But, I was reminded once again that she died too early and I never got to be an "adult" with her.

By Louise Aspden 05 Mar, 2017

He would be turning 16 today...

Damn it! I am so angry. He was healthy, spunky and our very, very best friend. Just because we didn't see those coyotes lurking in the bush, he is gone. We should have been more diligent. How could we? He never asked for much from us and deserved everything. Especially our protection and care. We will never forgive ourselves. Never.

This last three months has been a much bigger evolution for me personally than I ever would have thought. All due to losing our sweet Max. You see, for the first time in over 30 years, I don't have anyone I am directly responsible for.

And here comes the guilt barreling in again. You see, I am learning to enjoy this new-found freedom. I can go out for more than 3-4 hours at a time without rushing home to let him out. I can finally hop on a plane with my hubby and go to work with him without worry. How could I be enjoying this in any way?

Over the past three months the grief is ebbing, replacing itself with loneliness. The guilt will take longer; I’m working at watering it down with as much grace and self-love as I can muster.

By Louise Aspden 17 Feb, 2017

Our very first “Valentine’s Day” as a dating couple was in 1982. I was very young and madly in love. I can’t remember the card but I assume it was sweet, all I remember is the gift. A car part, he bought me a new horn for the used car I had just purchased.


Now, can you imagine my face? I honestly can’t remember what I said but I do remember feeling disappointed. A car part? Really? Somehow I managed to see a bit of humour in this as a cute, endearing fumble on his part.

I didn't get the lesson here for a long while, however, this ended up to be a great learning opportunity within our budding relationship.

This is where I learned that he was not only practical and handy, but that he wanted to take care of me.  

If I had immediately seen the intention behind this in that moment and that this was a peek into the most amazing, caring future husband I could ask for, I would have jumped for joy at this seemingly un-romantic gift.
 
I am tearing up writing this.
 
Can you see how easily this could have gone bad and created a disconnect, resentment and even ended the new relationship before it started?
There are three, learnable skills that came into play here that I didn’t even know I had:

  1. Emotional Management: I was able to receive the gift without breaking into tears of disappointment. I truly can’t remember what I said but I must have managed to keep it together long enough to show gratitude for his thoughtful gift. I think I had a good cry later, by myself.
  2. Seek Intention: Once I was calm enough I was able to look for the intention behind the gift. He truly felt it was something I needed, and it was. He was just being pragmatic, not unloving.
  3. Empathy: I will not lie; he did get razed about the gift a bit over the years. However,always with an underlying understanding of what he was trying to accomplish.

 
These three factors are key pieces to managing, maintaining and growing any relationship, romantic, family or even work related.
 
We all have the same basic needs within our relationships. We want to feel heard and appreciated. Sadly, we are not always speaking the same language which leads to misunderstanding and disconnection.  
 
Would you like to remove misunderstanding and deepen your connection within your most important relationships?

Join me LIVE on Sunday, Febraury 26th for a powerful, insightful workshop. REGISTRATION INFORMATION HERE

By Louise Aspden 31 Jan, 2017

Are the events around the world causing you to feel anxious, fearful or distressed?

It is virtually impossible to avoid the onslaught of negative news and opinions these days. At every turn, we are being bombarded with people waving it in our faces, you know, just in case we managed to miss it!

We are entering into a vicious cycle of news, opinion, blame and reaction. One event can now become a cascade of hatred and violence. There are moments that I feel scared for us all.

So, what can you do? What is possible in the moments when you begin to feel more and more helpless? I certainly have the urge on some mornings to just crawl back under the covers and hope it all goes away.

You really have only one card to play when you are dealing with any sort of adversity within your life and that is the reaction you choose.

I have wrapped three coping skills into a nice little morning routine that works really well in preparing for the day and then managing through it.

By Louise Aspden 23 Jan, 2017

I love helping my clients achieve their desires and dreams. Most of them come to me looking to create some form of change within their lives. Their wants are varied from better health and relationships, more success in business, reducing anxiety and stress right down to managing grief and loneliness.

There is a structure that I encourage my clients to follow as they move towards their goals and dreams. I have spent the month of January sharing some of my strategies for creating and sustaining momentum towards your individual goals.

STEP 1: EXCHANGE “SHOULD” FOR “WANT”

In my first post this year,  “ Loading 2017… ” I discussed the difference between “want” and “should”. Much of what I train and coach is around the energy we create within our lives and how that impacts both our current wellbeing and what we ultimately attract into our future. This is something we work through as a client/coach team by really digging down and finding the heart of what we truly are looking for. Sometimes what you think you want and what you really do want are not quite the same.

STEP 2: TAKE THE EASY ROAD

Keeping in mind that life is busy for most of you, I want to make this journey one that is easy, fun, joyful and successful. I do this by helping you find “ The Path of Least Resistance ” in breaking down the process into chunks that work for you and you alone. I know that what works for one client can stop another in their tracks.

STEP 3: FAILURE IS YOUR FRIEND

When we get digging around your past, we cannot avoid coming upon the boulders of failure and regret that are blocking your path. I think what inspires me most is when you begin to pivot your perspective around these failures to look at them as stepping stones rather than boulders. Stepping stones towards wisdom. Read more about this in last weeks post: Scrap Your Resolutions .

By Louise Aspden 16 Jan, 2017

The 17th of January is considered “ Ditch Your Resolution Day ” as statistically this is when most of us give up the struggle and go back to old habits. There are many reasons why this happens as I have mentioned in my last two blog posts ( Loading 2017 & The Path of Least Resistance ):

  • Our resolutions need to come from a place of “want” rather than “should” in order for us to find the energy to embrace moving forward and getting through the rough patches.
  • It makes sense to take “ The Path of Least Resistance ” by breaking down our goals into small, achievable and most importantly, believable bites.

No matter how well we plan our goals, the reality is that we will have a lot of opportunity to fail along the way. Therefore, if failing is part of the truth around striving to create change and bring our desires into our lives would it make sense that we need to learn how to do it?

By Louise Aspden 09 Jan, 2017

“The  path of least resistance  is the physical or metaphorical pathway that provides the least resistance to forward motion by a given object or entity, among a set of alternative paths.  The concept is often used to describe why an object or entity takes a given path.  The way water flows is often given as an example of the idea.” (Wikipedia)

By Louise Aspden 02 Jan, 2017

I never make resolutions; at least I don’t make them out loud. I believe most of us secretly have hopes, dreams and goals that we want to bring into our lives each New Year. For many years I felt if I didn’t write them down or speak them then it wouldn’t feel like failure on December 31st. Yet, in my heart I always hoped on Jan. 1 that something would be magically different just because the calendar changed.

I believe one the main reasons we don't state our resolutions on January 1st  is that we, along with the majority, generally give up on our resolutions before the end of January. The fact is, only 6% of us succeed!

What? Is that the positive coach being a “Debbie Downer”? In a way, yes! I am not here to build you up towards something that won’t work for you. In order to create a positive perspective in life we need to  be realistic as well. When we choose to look at reality, we can make goals that are more believable and viable to us.

So what are you hoping for? What do you feel you SHOULD change this year? Hmmm…or is it, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE THIS YEAR? The vibe between WANT and SHOULD is very different isn’t it?

Many resolutions come from what we feel we “should” do such as lose weight, get organized, spend less or wake up earlier.

SHOULD is defined as: “to indicate obligation or duty, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.”

WANT is defined as: “a desire for something.” This comes from within you. It’s a desire to have something that will make you feel better, happier or more accomplished.

Want is about choice, should is more about shame. Feel the difference?

So, WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT for yourself? How do you want to feel?

If you choose to lose weight, how would that feel for you? Would you feel more energetic, more confident, sexier or just healthier?

So is the goal to lose weight or is it to feel ________? Close your eyes and imagine how it would feel to be more energetic in your daily routine. What would be different?

I you have a goal to get more organized how would that feel? Less stress, more time or higher efficiency and few mistakes? Again, imagine how it would feel to be “on top” of things. What would that look like?

Want to spend less money? How would it feel to stay within a budget each month or have savings at the end of the year? Oh that would be so exciting! What would you save up for that would feel great once you have it? A comfortable retirement? A vacation?

What about getting up earlier? Will that feel good or do you feel you should just because other people do it? What will you gain by making that change? Less chaos in the morning routine, or more time to have a second cup of coffee? Hmmm…that might feel pretty good!

Tap into how you want to feel and then make your goals based on that. I will be touching on more specifics around goal setting next week. For now, play with the idea of how it would feel on December 31st to have achieve one of your goals. 

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